He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize