drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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