I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Randomize
