I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
