hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize