haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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