I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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