just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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