Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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