my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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