You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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