miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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