Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
