Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
