I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
