I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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