Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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