I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
