I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
