we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
