The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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