I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You can't special order awesome
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize