Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
