I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
