i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
