i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
