hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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