My cat gives me a boner
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
