Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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