i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
