Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
