I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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