I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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