What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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