Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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