Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
