people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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