he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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