I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
