if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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