Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
