She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
