I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
