I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm like, not good at living.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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