Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
