Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
