We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
