Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
