TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
