my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Houston, we have a blender
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
