he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
