I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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